If I'm allowed to be a little
"girly" in my column this issue, and open the notorious topic of a
semi-taboo subject: Mothers and daughters-in-law.
As an alien, you may, or may not have heard
of the stories around in the neighbourhood; or, have seen relevant women TV
shows aired on media at the tea-time hours; or even amongst friends you know
who has later on become a part of a Turkish family. Although acutely aware that this is a social
phenomenon all over the world, I cannot help but think it is quite common in
Turkey, especially having witnessed how influential its magnitude can reach in
families. I reckon if we all know more
about the cause and reasoning of it, we ought to know how to cope better with
it ourselves, or be better at giving advice to friends and families when
needed.
You may not even imagine that there were
some world-known mothers-in-law who has left their marks in history, here I
wish to share what I found:
Bona
Sforza, born in 1494 in a powerful family that
ruled Milan, was married to King Sigimund I of Poland. She was not fond of her daughter-in-law, who
died two years into her marriage to Bona's son.
The son married again with Barbara Radiwill, the second wife, who
"succumbed to her illness" five months into her marriage – One might
argue this is nothing to do with her, a bit tricky though.
Princess
Sophie of Bavaria, born in 1805, convinced the
husband to give up the throne so that her son would become the King; then chose
a wife amongst her sisters' daughters, Elizabeth, to be the queen. Elizabeth gave birth to a prince 10 months into
the marriage, then portrayed by Princess Sophie as a "Bavarian Goose"
and "silly young mother" and named the baby prince after
herself. Elizabeth was not allowed to
look after her own baby, nor the three other children that came after. Elizabeth later on suffered from destroyed
marriage together with depression, anorexia and bulimia.
Sara
Roosevelt, born in 1854, mother of Franklin
Roosevelt. First she attempted to
persuade Franklin to abandon the beloved distant cousin Eleanor by taking him
on a cruise trip, then after knowing that the couple will marry, gave the
newlywed couple this generous wedding surprise gift: a townhouse in Upper East Manhattan's area
nicely decorated with her likings. Yet –
adjacent to another townhouse that is inhibited by herself with connecting
doors, corridors and floors!
To be fair though, these intensive stories
I have not encountered in Turkey. Yet,
they induce a motive to investigate and understand the rationale behind. To this front, Dr. Terri Apter has written a
very interesting paper (see footnote 1) that analysed main conflicts amongst mothers and daughters–in-law, which helps
to explain reasons behind these conflicts.
These includes valuing the son's comfort more than the one of
daughter-in-law; the wish to take on the role to be the "woman" in
both her and her son's family; never let go to "baby" the son; all
are rooted from the mother role so imprinted in them.
I personally find it soothing and
comforting to understand that although the "means" to display such
"end" (fully shouldering the role of a mother) are not really
pleasant to experience. Nevertheless,
knowing that the underneath intention, it might be a little easier to display
empathy; having in mind that the daughter-in-law are in fact having more common
grounds than disagreement with the mothers-in-law, better solutions may be
worked out and compromised.
